


We need to talk

by Strange_doll_from_Hell



Category: What We Do in the Shadows (TV)
Genre: Consent Issues, F/F, F/M, Families of Choice, Friendship, Guillermo is now their shrink, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Multi, Period Typical Attitudes, Relationship Negotiation, Romance, Sexual Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-11
Updated: 2020-06-11
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:28:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24659923
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Strange_doll_from_Hell/pseuds/Strange_doll_from_Hell
Summary: Nadja learn new details about what happened with Lilith.
Relationships: Laszlo Cravensworth/Nadja, Laszlo Cravensworth/Nadja/Nandor the Relentless, Laszlo Cravensworth/Nandor the Relentless, Laszlo/lilith, Nadja/Nandor the Relentless (What We Do in the Shadows TV)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 13





	We need to talk

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so I'm really nervous about this story.I really wrote it out because this detail has obsessed me since I've seen this episode: Nandor and Colin thought that the Lilith disguise was convincing. You could argue that maybe Nandor was lying to help Laszlo but Colin? I have my doubts. It's also a universe where blue jeans and a toothpick are a disguise that works on everyone. So I wrote this little story. I'm really embarrassed and if they'd asked me to write a sex abuse story for their fandom, Laszlo wouldn't have been my first choice. But that's what I was presented with. That's my interpretation and I could be wrong. I'm not saying cancel the show (it my favorite!) and I think the writers are smart people who would never imply that kind of idea.I also recognize that given the periods when the characters were born their views would probably be different than ours (so nobody is a big villain). Also, I don't want to go into too much detail but I have male friends who were abused by women. And I had an experience myself that I refused to call an assault because it wasn't violent. So, stranger from the internet, you don't have to like it but please be respectful. I tried my best.

Nandor is fed up! One day, Laszlo had run after it. Two days, tough, but maybe Laszlo deserves it. Three days, it was still tough, but it wasn't his marriage. But a week, seriously? A week that Nadja ignores Laszlo, drives him out of their crypt and refuses to interact with him. Laszlo accepts his punishment and sleeps in the basement, but yesterday Nandor just got fed up and asks Guillermo to take Laszlo’s coffin up to his room in the meantime.

-Thank you Nandor, but I'm not sure that…try Laszlo  
-You always say you hate sleeping alone. So it's me or Colin Robinson or Guillermo, Nandor replied.  
-It's true. And I guess you're the best option. 

Nandor is sure this is the first day of good sleep Laszlo has had in six days. So, after reflection: Laszlo is his friend, Nadja is his friend and they are never embarrassed to argue, grope or a combination of the two in front of him, so he can interfere, right?

That's what motivated him to ambush Nadja.

-How much?  
-What? Ask Nadja  
-How long before you stop treating Laszlo like he has leprosy?  
-...He has leprosy. The virus died like him but he has it, Nadja replied.  
-Okay, bad example. But my point remains the same: you're cruel to him!  
-I'm not cruel!  
-Yes, you are! He hardly sleeps, hardly eats and you never gave him a cold shoulder for so long even when he turned a baby into a vampire!  
-I didn't have time to ignore him, I was trying to save his bloody ass from the council! And if you're so worried about his, why don't you go have a lovely time with him!  
-Actually, I offered it to him. But he doesn't want to.  
-Laszlo refused to have sex?

Nandor and Nadja turned around to see Colin, who seemed legitimately worried for once. 

-Proof that the punishment works, Nadja replied.  
-And what's Nandor's punishment? Colin asked.  
-Nandor's not married!  
-I was married, I'm a widower," replied this one.  
-Whatever.  
-But I thought you were comfortable breaking vows once in a while? Colin asked.  
-Yes, but we have our rules! I always paid attention to Laszlo's feelings, it's too much to expect him to do the same? Nadja got angry.  
-Didn't he kill your reincarnated lover every time he made you sad? asked Colin.  
-It's not the same thing! You can't understand!  
-All right, you know what? Let's do what we did last time and get someone neutral in order to settle. 

*****

Guillermo doesn't know how he became a vampire psychologist but hey maybe it's the start of a future business. If he's not a vampire or a vampire hunter, he's gonna be the Dr. Phil of monsters.

-Shouldn't Laszlo be there? Guillermo tried.  
-No, he's resting in my room for now, said Nandor.  
-Blowing you must be exhausting, Nadja said coldly.  
-It only happened after we got home from the witches! Nandor defended herself.  
-What? You piece of…  
-Stop! Let's try to get to the bottom of this.  
-I said Laszlo stays in the room, said Nandor.  
-I mean, they explained to me that normally your relationship is open, explain Guillermo. -What's different this time with Lilith and my master?  
-He slept with two of my best friends! With Lilith, he lied his way out of it! And with you, Nandor, who's been doing it for so long. I don't have a problem with my husband going out to have fun, I have a problem with him deciding to be a bigamist! I never forced him to live with Gregor, damn it!  
-Laszlo and I are not together, Nandor says.  
-But it wasn't just a one-night stand, accused Nadja.  
-I didn't count, but it's not something that happens every week or even every year. Maybe a dozen times when Laszlo thought I was lonely or he wanted a little tenderness.  
-So that's your excuse? Because you're too stupid to talk about your emotions and comfort eachother, you fuck?  
-...We are guy? Try Nandor.  
-Toxic bloody mascularity!  
\- That probably more that sex is Laszlo's comfort blanket," mocked Colin.  
-These are good points but Nadja's argument remains valid. Sleeping with someone's best friend is a big no-no to a lot of people. It's kind of like sleeping with your spouse's sibling…

Guillermo had expected a lot but surely not that Nandor would start laughing and Colins' eyes began to shine. Nadja, on the other hand, avoided to look to Guillermo's eyes. It took him a few seconds to realize:  
-Nadja, no.  
-It's not as scabrous as it sounds. I dated his stepsister before I was in a relationship with him.  
-He always calls her his sister, not his half-sister," Colin remarked.  
-They were close despite the fact that they had different mothers. When Laszlo's mother died, she took him under her wing.  
-So you slept with his sister who's also his guardian, smile Colin. What's their age difference again? Forget it, I remember,they are sixteen years old appart! Guillermo, telle me: what do modern times think of someone dating a person and then running off with that person's younger brother? 

Yeah, Guillermo has definitely become the Dr. Phil of monsters. 

-Me and his sister were purely in a physical relationship. Never anything romantic. She didn't want to invest in a doomed relationship and I was happy with that. I thought I'd end our affair when I found her in tears. I thought it was because she suspected that I had lost interest, but no ; Laszlo knew he was sick and had sent money and personal belongings. He wanted to get it over with before it became obvious. But you're not entirely wrong, Colin Robinson. She saw him as her flesh and blood. I guess Laszlo had two mama before it was fashionable.

Nadja sighed before resuming :  
\- So since we were close and I knew Laszlo had been through more than you might have thought looking ar him, I thought I'd see what I could do. I went to his house and hypnotized him to let me in. And... it was just love at first sight for both. I can't explain it any better, I just knew I wanted him with me forever and he wanted the same thing. We complement each other.

...Okay, I still have to ask if there was any grooming? says Guillermo.  
-Yes, I had to help him in the beginning: it's was difficult for him the early days to maintain a beard without reflection. Do you have any idea how long it took me to learn how to apply eyeliner withou reflexion?  
-I mean, did you spend time with Laszlo when he was a kid?  
-I think I saw him once or twice when I was sightseeing. He didn't even notice me. He was preferred for porcelain girls in those days. And when I saw him years latter... he'd grown up nicely. I think I was still thinking of him as a shy chubby kid.  
-It's peculiar, but I guess it's legal. And Laszlo was never bothered by the fact that you and his sister were together for a while? Guillermo asked.  
-No, it was over between us and he'd seen worse. And it's not like I compared them. And I was honest from the beginning when Laszlo lied.  
-So you asked him first if he'd slept with Nandor before? Ask Guillermo.  
-No, but he wasn't supposed to sleep with...  
-Is it possible Laszlo just assumed it wasn't a problem since he himself has no problem with you sleeping with his sister? And I'm in the dark about these kinds of relationships, but you still talk about who you're spending the night with? Or is it personal?  
-Maybe, and yes, if the other doesn't ask, we don't tell. But the fact remains that he slept with Lilith too!  
-He didn't tell you the circonstants of what happened with Lilith? Guillermo asked.  
-No, when I asked him if it happened and he said yes. I also asked him if she... she had forced him in any way and he said no!  
-But he thought it was you, Nandor defended him.  
-She doesn't even look like me! Nandja got angry.  
-That's close enough for me," says Colin.  
-Me too, says Nandor.

Nadja turned to Guillermo for support: 

-Really vaguely if you squint, but I don't think Laszlo's disguise is particularly good, either.  
-What? Says all surprised vampire chorus.  
-Are your glasses enchanted to resist illusions? Nandor asked.  
-Don’t be ridicule, Nandor, Colin says.  
-Hey, I learned that ghosts exist this year, so magic glasses are not ridicule.  
-He's right, I'm ready to buy them from the artisan who made them for you, said Nadja.

Guillermo decides he wants to believe that vampires just have very bad eyesight.

-I'll give you the address of my orthomologist.  
-So, Laszlo thought it was you. That doesn't excuse but his diminished responsiv...  
-Master, excuse me, but what responsibility?  
-With Lilith. It's more excusable, but it not like he was forced.  
-Oh, mierda. I'm going to ask you a very simple question, and I'll take into account the time and the place you come from all. ...Do you think sexual assault necessarily involves violence?

If there's one thing Guillermo has learned in 11 years with vampires is that while they will sometimes say extremely uncomfortable things but they are receptive to change. It's a bit sad to know that people from the XIII, XV, XVII and late XIX are more open to change than many boomers. 

Nandor a nervous laugh before saying:  
-Guillermo, Laszlo wasn't dragged by his hair, screaming and kicking in a bush to be abused.  
-He didn't want to sleep with Lilith, he wanted to sleep with Nadja. If she took that form, she must have known he was going to say no, explain Guillermo. -Saying that it is consensual is like saying that someone is consensual because they were asleep and didn't wake up screaming. But these are the modern standards and maybe Laszlo never saw it like for the same reason you don't see it that way and he was not really affected by his experience.

By the time Guillermo had finished his explanation, Nadja had already left her seat in a hurry.

*****

Laszlo was asleep when he heard a small knock against his coffin. 

-Laszlo, darling, can I talk to you?

The coffin opened immediately and Laszlo tried to replace his hair properly. 

-Yes! Of course.  
-I'd like you to... explain exactly what happened with Lilith.  
-She took your appearance and we had a knee tremor...  
-I get that part, I want you to explain the states of how you got into this position and what happened next.

Laszlo looked at her confused but started:  
-Um... I went to the store to see Judith... 

Nadja grunts.

-Hey, you wanted to know. But she wasn't there and I saw you or at least what I thought was you. I asked her what you were doing dressed as Lilith, she said it was a gift from her and asked if I found her attractive like that. I said yes and she asked me if I wanted to go have a lovely time with her in the storeroom. I enthusiastically agreed to it and we started fucking…

Nadja is surprised by Laszlo's choice of words. He tends to use more flowery terms to talk about sex even for one-night stands. 

-And it was good, I'm not gonna lie, but... it got strange.  
-Strange? What do you mean?  
-She looks like you, but I noticed something wasn't quite right.  
-Only one thing? Nadja mocked.  
-Hey, Nandor and Colin Robinson couldn't tell the difference either.  
-Guillermo could.  
-Maybe, but for a guy with glasses, Gizmo's got good eyesight.  
-Never mind, what was wrong?  
-Her vulva wasn't the same as yours. I just remember freezing, trying to figure out how she could have your face but not your vulva. But...I was quite advanced at the time and my surprise wasn't enough to stop my body from reacting. She came too and took back her true appearance. She asked me if I liked it. I Was too shocked to say anything. I took my clothes and went out. I just wanted to go home.

Nadja gets up and Laszlo hopes it's for a slap in his face rather than leaving the room and starting to act as if he doesn't exist again. But Nadja does neither. She takes him in her arms and says: 

-You silly man, why didn't you say that in the beginning?

Laszlo doesn't know if it's reverse psychology or what. He's just glad Nadja's giving him affection for the first time in a week.

-I don't see what difference it makes. It's the same story…  
-No! I asked you if she forced herself on you and you said no!  
-If she forced herself on me? Darling, come on. She didn't drag her into the back room while I screamed for help and struggled. I didn't push her away or yell to stop when I realized something was wrong. I came, damn it. I was trapped, it's true, but I don't think it's the same thing.  
-Would you have slept with her without it if she hadn't disguised herself?  
-Depends, I confess I had some solitary pleasure sessions imagining you two together, then me joining you before this incident. Maybe if she'd asked to watch me and Judith, I'd have said yes, too. But if you mean the exact same situation except she was in its true form, no. She's not worth the drama.  
-So you would have said no and she knew it. And according to Guillermo it counts.  
\- It still seems a bit of an exaggeration to me. I mean, I didn't feel good afterwards, but I was just embarrassed and uncomfortable. I wasn't crying in the bath, feeling dirty and terrified.  
-So if a warlock had done the same thing to me as you, your reaction…  
-The pictures of Mary-Jane Kelly would look like publicity for the spa next to what I'll do to him! said angrily Laszlo before realizing. -Ooh, I was taken advantage by her. Not too sure what to do next, though.  
-What about Lilith, how do you feel?  
-I just didn't want to see her ever again. But I'm not afraid...well, I wasn't afraid before, but I admit that now I'm afraid that she'll come back and try to cut off my manhood, laughs without joy Laszlo.  
-I'm sorry about that.  
-Don't be, it's Gizmo's fault and his stupid contract.  
-I was talking about being mad at you about Lilith. I should have dug deeper.  
-It doesn't matter. I just want things to go back to the way they were…  
-No.  
-What? But you said it wasn't my fault!  
-With Lilith, you're innocent of everything. Nandor and your fetish for exotic brunettes, you're still in trouble.  
-Fetish?Are you fucking serious? said Laszlo losing his temper for the first time since the conversation began.  
-Yes, I am! How do you think it makes me feel to know that everyone with long black hair and an accent is interchangeable for you? And that you live with your lover in our house?  
-Nandor, my lover? Please, he's my good friend with whom I like to make love.  
-Oh, that terminology makes me feel so much better.  
-If you want to split hairs, then yes, I love him, friendship is a form of love! But it's not the same as with you! And you don't sincerely blame me for choosing to spend eternity with someone I like as much for her beauty on the outside as on the inside? Most people do, you're the weird one for doing the opposite!  
-What are you bloody talking about?  
-I'm not your type.  
-I don't have a type unlike you!  
-Well for someone who doesn't have a type, you have an impressive number of male lovers who are soldiers, sailors, warriors, spies, policemen, knights and anything remotely related to the military. Which I'm not. I'm a lover and an artist, I can fight but I never liked that.  
-I …

It's true. He's right, now that she's thought about it and remember her list of lovers. A lot of them were military or something close of it. A thought crossed her mind.

-Laszlo, would you have taken for granted that me and Nandor had a lovely time in the past?  
-I didn't sleep with him out of spite! But yes, I thought that probably already happened. He's a good friend of yours too, he was a warrior and we live together, so…It make sens for me.  
-Not everyone sleeps with their friends.  
-I don't sleep with all my friends, either, Laszlo defended himself. -...and I won't sleep with Nandor anymore if you're that upset about it.  
-It's not that you're sleeping with a close friend of ours that bothers me. It's that you're sleeping with someone who's lived with us for centuries. What would you have feel if I invited Gregor to live with us?  
-Badly, recognized Laszlo. -But how do you want me to fix it then?  
-I don't know. But I think we need to better define what we're comfortable with. Maybe we need a better contract that's 1) discreet and 2) doesn't screw up.Do you want to start?  
-All right. I don't like it when you're with someone who makes you sad or who are my enemies. But it's not dealbreaker for me. Honestly, the one thing that looks unforgivable to me is no longer a problem.  
-And what is this great crime?  
-That you're carrying someone else's child. But we're dead so it's not really a problem anymore.  
-Good. I don't want you to sleep with my best friends. Enemies, go as far as you like, I'd love to have a Mata Hari on hand and destroying them from the inside. Nandor... it's too late, so do as you see fit. You can go on with him, but don't think you can convince me to becoming a menage a trois.  
-Thank you but I don't think I'll be doing it again soon anyway because of…  
-Guillermo? Ask Nadja.  
-Yeah, I'm sick of his puppy-dog eyes.  
-Let's just hope these two make a move before Guillermo gets gray hair. Unless that's his plan and Nandor is a thing for silver foxes.  
-I would say that Nandor has a weakness 20th century middle class retired history professor given Gizmo's style.

They laugh. She missed it.

-Nadja?  
-Yes?  
\- I love you. Even with short hair or as a blonde. I'd love you as a redhead, too, but I'm not sure it'd suit you. But keep the accent. I like to hear it even when you're yelling at me.  
-I love you, too. And I don't love the military. I like people who fight for what they believe is right and protect their own. Even if it is not their first reflex and they prefer to use cunning rather than brute force.

That's all it takes for them to start kissing. Laszlo's ready to push further, but Nadje stops him.

-Oh, no, that's not gonna happen. Not until you get paid your dues.  
-Huh?  
-You thought I slept with Nandor, remember? 

*****

When Nadja goes to talk to Nandor, he has no problem with the proposal. And because Nadja still feels a bit guilty about Laszlo and Lilith, she decides that if my husband wants to stay and watch, he's welcome. Ultimately, it is an enjoyable experience to have sex with Nandor outside of an orgy. Laszlo seems to like his wife and best friend together or just two exotic brunettes together. Or maybe a combination of both. She pretty be sure that Nandor is open to having the two perverts join him more often. But that probably won't happen until Guillermo dies or is turned.

So everything's back to normal. Well almost, Nadja's still angry that Guillermo's been making deliveries of Millmo. Laszlo insists he doesn't care, but it's still not fair. Nadja thinks she went to ask Wallace if he would have something to give back to Lilith.

But the Universe decides that for once, it will take care of it. When Guillermo got back from his last delivery, he made an announcement:

-I have good news.  
-Did you decide that one day off by month was enough? Nandor said hopefully.  
-No. According to Black Peter the Goat, Lilith was thrown out of the coven.  
-What? But how? She is the head witch from it! Nadja asked.  
-It seems that if the coven decides unanimously to kick you out, it works. It seems that she had become bad for business after someone left several critics on their website saying that she had assaulted the spouse of one of her clients and tried to assault him again later. Nowadays, this kind of thing is taken very seriously and many clients who’s started to boycott.  
-But how did they find out? Nobody but us knew! Laszlo asked.  
-And after almost gutting by Bloody Mary, I'm not getting back in line, Nandor said.  
-Me either.  
-Same.

Nadja then turned, realizing who the cause was.

-Colin Robinson? You made this?

Colin got his usual twisted grin beford he said:  
-Between their refusal to take my seed and the moral implications of…  
-Just admit that you did it because you wanted to start taking my energy again, Laszlo grunted.  
-Of course, it would be indelicate of me. If you're in better shape you give better energy.  
-So it's purely self-serving? Not because he's one of your few friends? Nadja asked with a knowing smile.  
-...Thank, even if it's selfish, finish by say Laszlo.  
-Whatever, concludes Colin.

Guillermo approached Nadja.

-Do I, uh…  
-Salt and iron filings, I'll take care of the rest if the bitch shows up, Nadja whispered with a wicked smile.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks again for reading.


End file.
